If Evangelion were dubbed by...DIC
by Tafadhali
Summary: Just a nightmarish thought that came to me when I was trying to sleep in uncomfortable pajamas. What would happen if we let DIC get it's hands on Evangelion? Heres what I came up with.
1. Dub Names

If Evangelion were dubbed by…DIC  
  
Dub Names  
  
"All right, I think we all agree that American children are insipid and pathetic lifeforms," the speaker was a high ranking DIC executive. One can tell he is high ranking because he is slightly rounder and more pompous that the others in the room. "So we have come up with several possible dub names for the characters on Neon Genesis Evan…Evan…oh! You know what I mean!  
  
"Bring out the slides, men: Specimen one: Mee-saw-toe Cat-sue-roggy. We have decided to name her…MICHELLE JOHNSON!"  
  
One of the many young, nervous Jr. Executives cautiously asked, "Why Johnson? It doesn't really sound like Katsuragi…"  
  
"I picked Johnson because I'm a high ranking DIC executive and can do whatever I want to! You're just a young, nervous Jr. Executive so you can't do anything about it! Understand?"  
  
"Y-y-yes sir!"  
  
"Good. Now on to specimen two: Shin-gee Ee-car-ree. We're going to call him Sam Carter. Questions?" the Executive glares pointedly at the Jr. Executives.  
  
They all gulp and shake their heads.  
  
"Alright then. Ray I-a-nommy. For a while we contemplated Reina, just for a change of pace, but we decided it was still to difficult for American kids. So we settled on Raye Anderson. For As-suka Langley Showruu, Anna Langley Stevens. Any FEEDBACK?"  
  
The Jr. Execs immediately begin to shower words of praise very rapidly and all at the same time.  
  
"Good, good. Now we'll be moving very quickly through the "minor" characters:  
  
Gen-dough Ee-car-ree is George Carter. Rit-sue-ko Uh-cog-ee is Ritzy Acton. For Toe-gee Sue-zu-harra we picked Tom Stevens, and his friend Ken-sue-kay Ada is Kenneth Adams. May-yuh Ibu-key is Maia Ibenson. That's it for now. Any questions?"  
  
The first Jr. Executive tentatively raises his hand.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Wh-what about Hi-Hikari Hiroki-ki and Kaji Ryo-ouji?"  
  
"Ah, yes, them. Chris Roberts and Heather Hilliard. That it?"  
  
Everyone is silent.  
  
"Good. Meeting adjourned. 10:30 tomorrow for a meeting on character design and scene editing."  
  
To be continued…  
  
How'd you guys like it? It's going to be three chapters long and the last will be what an edited episode would be like. 


	2. The Meeting

Oops! I forgot the disclaimer. I don't own Evangelion *sob* or DIC, thank God. Well, that done, continue..  
  
The Meeting  
  
     
  
"Good Morning everybody!"  
  
    "Good morning."  
  
    "I have never heard such an unenthusiastic 'Good  
  
Morning' in my life! You guys need some coffee. Richards, get these people some damn coffee! I can't work with dubbers who aren't excited about dubbing. Anyway, on to business. First order of business:  
  
Michelle and Chris. Our viewers can't handle such a sexual relationship. I think that it would be best to have them have been very good friends who had a falling out. And Chris has to be more clean cut. Get rid of  
  
that stubble. No more flirting. Michelle can't be an alcoholic. We've decided to change all the alcoholic beverages to soda."  
  
    "Err…sir?"  
  
    "Yes?"  
  
    "Won't that encourage caffeine addictions?"  
  
    "Good point. Better just cut the scenes. Another problem is Tom. Not only does he look up girls skirts, he and Ken have a crush on an adult, as does Anna. We can't tell these kids that it's OK to like adults. Think what ideas they'll come up with next? So we have to cut the lucky hat scene, all the babes, and that one scene where Michelle makes that TASTELESS crack about not being so desperate as to jump Sam. Are you taking notes? Good. I won't have any parents calling and asking, 'What are you showing are KIDS?'. Yes?"  
  
    "What about Kaworu and Shinji?"  
  
    "Who?"  
  
    "The 17th Angel and Sam. Some people think they are…"  
  
    "Cut the episode. We're a liberal nation, but we CAN'T abide homosexuals on our shows! Which brings me to another point. Religion. The Angels need a change in name. We're considering demons, monsters, aliens, etc. And they can't explode into crosses, what would the CRITICS say? Remember all this and speak to the animators. We'll screen episode eight in 4 weeks. Now, where the devil is that coffee?"  
  
To be continued…  
  
I KNOW! IT'S JUST TO SHORT! I'M SORRY! But I write really short chapters. *sniff* *sniff* 


	3. Anna Strikes!

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OPENING THEME SONG  
  
Random American Singer: FIGHTING DEMONS BY MOONLIGHT, FIGHTING THEM BY DAYLIGHT…  
  
"Hey, I figure, it worked for Sailor Moon, why not Evangelion?"  
  
The Jr. Executives nod their heads in approval, saying such things as, 'A VERY good point sir"  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Carter: Correct, I have already made the necessary arrangements with  
  
the Committee. The cargo left port yesterday, it's making its  
  
way over here.  
  
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Ken: Wow! A helicopter thingy! I never thought I'd  
  
actually get a chance to fly on one of these things! Man  
  
it's great having a famous buddy like you, right Sam?  
  
Sam: Eh?  
  
Michelle: Yeah, I thought you must be getting sick of being cramped up  
  
in the mountains. So I thought it'd be kinda nice to invite  
  
you guys to come along with me on this business trip.  
  
Sam: So, where are we going?  
  
Michelle: Oh, we're just taking a cruise on that cute little boat down  
  
there.  
  
Ken: Oh Wow! A bunch of big boats!  
  
Tom: That's your cute little boat?  
  
Ken: "Over the Rainbow." What a stupid name.  
  
Sam: It's big.  
  
"Stroke of genius, really, having Ken not know all those technical terms. It will make the show MUCH easier for the kids."  
  
Michelle: Personally, I'm surprised that such a thing can  
  
still float.  
  
Ken: Nah, it's not so bad, it's a vintage model, from just before  
  
the Second Impact.  
  
"I thought we had gotten rid of the Second Impact?"  
  
"It was too big a plot point, sir…"  
  
"CHANGE IT!"  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Admiral: Darnit! Give me a break! It looks like they're brought the  
  
power cables for that children's toy of theirs. Give me a  
  
break!  
  
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Ken: Cool! Look at those stick thingy and dishes and lauchpads!  
  
Anna: Well, hello Misato. How have you been?  
  
Michelle: Just fine, goodness you've grown some, haven't you?  
  
Anna: Ah-ha! And I'm not just taller, my feet are bigger also!  
  
Michelle: Let me introduce you, this is the designated pilot of Eva Unit  
  
Two, the Second Child, Anna Langley Stevens.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
TITLE  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Neon Genesis Evangelion  
  
EPISODE :8  
  
Anna Strikes!  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
  
Asuka: And so, which one is the famous Third Child? Oh-no.  
  
Misato: Don't worry Asuka, it's him.  
  
Asuka: Ooooh, he's so HANDSOME!  
  
"Good. Romance will keep the girls into it. Nice work, Smith."  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Admiral: Hmm... Nerv and from your antics on the deck, I was quite  
  
sure you were the leader of this Boy/Girl Scout Troop, obviously I  
  
was mistaken.  
  
Michelle: Thank you for all your, like, gracious hospitality, Admiral.  
  
Admiral: Oh-no. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to baby-sit so  
  
many more children.  
  
Michelle: And thank you for your assistance, in the marine transport of  
  
Eva Unit Two. Here are the specifications for the, like, emergency  
  
power supply.  
  
Admiral: Hm. You've wasted a trip, I'd never approve any request to  
  
activate that toy, while at sea in the first place.  
  
Misato: Think of it as being prepared for a, like, emergency. The Eva is  
  
really valuable, Sir.  
  
Admiral: So valuable, that the entire Pacific Fleet has to be pulled  
  
for guard duty. Exactly when did the UN recommission us into a  
  
cargo service?  
  
First Officer: If my memory serves me correctly, it was just after a  
  
certain organisation was established.  
  
Admiral: Guarding a toy! What a stupid assignment for  
  
the entire Pacific Fleet!  
  
Michelle: It's still not enough, not when you, like, consider the importance of  
  
the Eva. Like, sign these, like, transfer documents please.  
  
Admiral: Not yet. Eva Unit Two and its pilot have been entrusted to us  
  
by the 3rd Branch in Germany. Your just not us going to just waltz in  
  
and do as you please, Ms. Johnson.  
  
Michelle: When will you, like, transfer them to us?  
  
First Officer: Once we've unloaded in New Hampshire.  
  
Admiral: The ocean is ours. You will follow our orders  
  
here.  
  
Michelle: I, like, COMPLETELY understand. However, I should remind you that in, like, an  
  
emergency Nerv's the boss.  
  
Sam: She sounds just like Ritzy…  
  
Chris: Well, you're as confident as always...  
  
Michelle: YOU'RE here?  
  
Admiral: Mr. Roberts! I must insist that you stop inviting yourself onto  
  
the bridge!  
  
Chris: My deepest apologies.  
  
"Nice editing of the stubble. You can't tell it was there. Chris looks much more clean cut."  
  
Michelle: Please excuse us. Transport us to, like, New Hampshire, as ordered.  
  
Admiral: Darn! Those children are supposed to save us?  
  
First Officer: I suppose the times are changing, Sir. I understand  
  
that Congress has pinned its hopes on that robot as well.  
  
Admiral: On that child's play thing? What idiots! If they've got the  
  
money to blow on that, they oughta' give us a little more!  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Michelle: What are you, like, doing here, friend that I, like, had an argument with?  
  
Chris: Business trip.  
  
Michelle: Talk about, like, stupid! I should have totally, like, anticipated something like  
  
this...  
  
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[sitting in a cafeteria thing]  
  
Sam: Mr. Roberts, how did you know my name?  
  
Chris: Well, I oughta' know you. You're pretty famous in the defense  
  
business you know. The famous Third Child who piloted an Eva  
  
with no training.  
  
Sam: Oh that, I was just lucky.  
  
Michelle: This is, like, a bad dream! Chris is such a pain!  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Chris: So what do you think about Sam Carter?  
  
Anna: Oh, the great Third Child? He's cool!  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Tom: That Admiral's attitude gets on my nerves.  
  
Misato: He's, like, conceited alright. What a pain.  
  
Anna: Hey, Sam!  
  
Sam: Yes?  
  
Anna: Come with me.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Sam: That's really an interesting colour. I didn't know it was red.  
  
Anna: That's not all that's different about Unit Two.  
  
Sam: Oh. Really?  
  
Anna: Uh-huh! Unit's Zero and One were the prototype and test type  
  
respectively. However, Unit Two is a little different. My Unit Two is the world's first real  
  
Evangelion, it's the final production model.  
  
  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Neon Genesis Evangelion  
  
EPISODE :8  
  
Anna Strikes!  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Chris: My goodness, that wasn't a very eventful trip, wasn't it? Was  
  
it caused by this, I wonder?  
  
Chris: Well, it's already restored itself this far. It's frozen, but  
  
it's still alive.  
  
Chris: Quite amazing. This is important for that Human Instrumentality  
  
Project, isn't it?  
  
Carter: Correct. This is the important.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Tom: Anna was cute!  
  
Tom: Lucky Sam gets to go work with her  
  
everyday.  
  
Sam: I like her.  
  
Tom: Look...!  
  
Asuka: I'm Anna Langley Stevens, charmed huh?  
  
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Ending Theme Song  
  
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"Brilliant men, but was that large break in the middle?"  
  
" There was a rather violent fight. Too violent. We cut it. We're thinking of making it a lightly romantic episode. What do you think?" the Jr. Exec. seemed to be begging for approval.  
  
"I'll consider it."  
  
The End.  
  
Well I've got THAT out of my system now, thank God! If you haven't seen that episode, here's a sampling of unedited script:  
  
Kaji: So do you have a boyfriend, right now?  
  
Misato: I don't think that's any of your business, is it?  
  
Kaji: I'm hurt... Ow.  
  
Kaji: So I understand that your living with Katsuragi?  
  
Shinji: Ah, yeah.  
  
Kaji: Tell me something, is she still so, wild in bed?  
  
All: What?!  
  
Misato: What are you implying by that?!  
  
Kaji: No she hasn't changed at all, has she Shinji?  
  
Shinji: Um, I guess. But, how did you know what my name was?  
  
Kaji: Well, I oughta' know you. You're pretty famous in the defense  
  
business you know. The famous Third Child who piloted an Eva  
  
in his first battle with no training.  
  
Shinji: Ow that, I was just lucky.  
  
Kaji: Luck is a part of your destiny, it's your talent. Well, I'll  
  
see you later.  
  
Shinji: Ok.  
  
Misato: It's a bad dream. It's a nightmare... 


End file.
